My Dog Is a Death Eater?
by Peeta'sClogs
Summary: A random and funny story about the true events in which my dog and someone else sold me out to He-who-must-not-be... You know what? We're calling him Voldemort. Easier to type out. Dedicated to my counterpart, Clogette.
1. My Dog is a Death Eater?

I bent over to pet my little dog, Brody, grinning to myself as he licked my hand.

"You're such a cute little puppy," I said, scratching behind his ears. Said puppy suddenly jumped up, demanding more attention. Brody isn't really a puppy, in fact he's almost seven years old. Oh, well. He looks enough like a puppy, judge me if you want. That little dog was so adorable and innocent, it never occurred to me that he could be doing what he was doing. And before you ask, yes, I will be telling you the story of how everything went down. But first... Let me take a selfie!

I raise a phone, make an amazingly attractive face and snap a picture. Okay, now I will tell you about the true events in which my dog became a death eater.

* * *

The little yellow dog ran beside a figure dressed in a dark cloak. The figure brandished his wand.

"Lumos," the hooded guy- well, actually it was a girl-muttered. "Come, Brody. The dark lord waits for us." Brody followed the man- well, more like a girl with one of those stick on mustaches- into a dark building, the Malfoy manor.

"Ah, there you are." He-who-must-not-be... You know what? Let's just call him Voldemort. The other one is too tedious to type out, and since I'm going to be using it quite a few times... Yeah, the dudes name is Voldemort. Got it? Good. Let's continue. Voldemort fixed his eyes on the girl, then looked down at the dog. "Why is this foul mutt here?"

"Brody can help us, sir." The girl replied, bowing down to the dark lord. "He knows of a source that can help us kill Harry Potter."

"Yes, yes, yes, I've heard this before. But voldy, I know how to kill that gosh darn potter boy... Haha, LIES!" The girl flinched at Voldemort's words. The noseless guy recovered his composure, then spoke again. "What is your name?"

"They call me L. McSwagger." She answered. "And please, Brody can help! He is a very smart dog. And he's a little cutie. Yeah, who's a cutie? You are! You are, Brod-"

"Silence," a death eater across the table said calmly but loudly. Voldemort twirled his wand around in his hand.

"Well...?" The wizard-hitler asked. "How will this... Brody... Help us kill Harry Potter?"

"His owner is a huge, mega Harry Potter fangirl," L. McSwagger said. "She probably knows everything there is to know about how to kill him. If we attach a recording device to Brody's collar, then we might overhear some of her fangirling and find out how to kill Harry Potter!"

"I like your thinking, L. McSwagger. I like your thinking." Voldemort mused. "What is the name of Brody's owner?"

"Well, she goes by many names, sir." She answered. "A few of her friends call her Annabeth, John, Doctor John, the list goes on. But you, me, and all of the death eaters know her as... Cloggy."

* * *

Yes, Cloggy is me. I am Cloggy. My dog and this suspicious "L. McSwagger" character sold me out to Moldy Voldy. Thanks guys, I owe you one.

Who is L. McSwagger? You'll find out in time. But I need to continue on with the story.

* * *

"Cloggy," Voldemort repeated blankly, clearly confused. "You mean like those heavy wooden shoes that people dance in?"

"Yes, my lord. For some odd reason, Cloggy and her counterpart, Cloggette, are obsessed with clogs." L. McSwagger replied. Voldemort gave her a look. "Hey, don't look at me like that. How am I supposed to understand their strange, twisted minds?"

"Ooooooooh," the other death eaters said in unison.

"What do they do, watch clogging tutorials on YouTube at one in the morning?" Voldemort scoffed.

"That's exactly what they do, sir." L. McSwagger said. "Now, back to the plan. I have an audio recorder that can go onto Brody's collar. If anyone detects it, all of us will immediately apparate into Cloggy's bedroom."

"I like it." Voldemort smiled coldly. "Let's do it."

L. McSwagger clipped the little device onto the dog's collar and opened the door to the Malfoy manor. "Be freeeeeeee!" She shouted, and Brody ran out.

* * *

Later that day, Brody was whimpering at my bedroom door while I was looking at Pinterest, so I got up and let him in. The dog ran and jumped up onto my bed, looking at me with those adorable eyes.

"Oh, Brody." I sighed. "Oh my gosh, this pin! Voldemort doesn't have a nose because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station? Priceless!" And I almost rolled off of my bed, I was laughing so hard. Yes, I was alone in my room, laughing at a Pinterest thingy. Deal with it. I was laughing at different pictures making fun of Voldemort for about another hour, until I noticed something odd. Brody had a device on his collar. I went to unclip it, and suddenly...

Voldemort, L. McSwagger, and the rest of the death eaters appeared in my bedroom. I would like to say that I totally kicked butt, shooting curses and hexes and jelly legs jinxes left and right. But alas, I am only a mere muggle, and I do not have a wand. So instead I went with my backup plan.

I grabbed my phone and texted Clogette really quickly.

_COME QUICK, VOLDEMORT IS IN MY BEDROOM!_

And she burst into my bedroom ten minutes later, holding a copy of _Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix._ In hardback. Yup, a book. Can you believe that? A lady should not be carrying around such weapons!

Oh, well. I picked up my trusty ballpoint pen and the two of us dueled against L. McSwagger. During the fight, her stick on mustache fell off, and...

"You," Clogette gasped and pointed her book accusingly. "My own sister, selling my best friend out to Voldemort?" L. McSwagger hung her head in shame.

"Yes, Clogette." And she ran off.

"Well now what are we supposed to do?" I asked. "Voldemort is still in my bedroom!" Without a word, Clogette chucked her Harry Potter book at the dark lord, and he crumpled and disintegrated. We exchanged a glance.

"That was easy," my friend remarked.

"We'll take these guys down together?" I asked. "Maybe we could force them to re read the ending of Allegiant."

"Nooooooooo!" The death eaters all screamed. "Have mercy! Please!"

"Why should we?" Clogette growled.

"Pizza!" One of them shouted. "We will reward you with pizza?" Clogette and I shared a knowing glance. You really can't argue with pizza, so we let them go. And that is the story of how my dog and my best friend's sister sold me out to Voldemort. Not that they got any information out of me, other than what happened to Voldy's nose.

Until next time,

Cloggy

* * *

**This was very random but it was fun to write and hopefully funny. :) I don't know when I'll do another parody story on here but you can go to my main account which is Abnegation Ravenclaw or Clogettes main account which is BeatriceMelarkHolmesEaton.**


	2. My Sister is a Spy?

Hi there, it is I, Cloggy. Some people (cough cough L. McSwagger cough cough) have been asking me to record the events that followed after my dog became a death eater. As you may recall, L. McSwagger ran out, Voldemort was disintegrated by Clogettes excellent aim with her huge book, and Clogette and I let the death eater go in exchange for pizza, hoping that the whole thing was over. Boy were we wrong. By now, L. McSwagger was on the loose, along with the death eaters. She was also hunting for new recruits, which brings me to the story. But first, following the tradition of course, let me take a selfie!

I raise a phone once again and make a face even more attractive than the last. Are you ready?

* * *

"L. McSwagger," a death eater said, stroking his mustache suspiciously. "You failed us last time. What makes you think that we will accept you once again?"

"I have new recruits, sir." She bowed down to the guy who spoke. "Would you like to meet them?"

"Yes, yes, get on with it." He answered impatiently. L. McSwagger raised her arms and gestured to a curtain that had conveniently popped up.

"First, we have Pineapple!" She announced loudly. A girl about her age ran out and curtsied. "Pineapple gives amazing advice."

"Pineapple!" Pineapple shouted randomly. The death eaters all clapped and clapped and clapped.

"Amazing!" One in the back called out, teary eyed. "She's just so amazing!"

"Now we have Piper!" L. McSwagger gestured urgently to the curtain,but no avail. Nobody came out. "Come on, Piper." She grunted angrily, flinging open the curtain only to find it completely empty.

"One recruit." The death eater from the beginning said sourly.

"Pineapple!" Pineapple shouted.

"I had two more! What happened to them?" L. McSwagger was running around yelling insults at the curtain. "Piper, Percy, where are you?"

* * *

Let's just say that things weren't looking good for L. McSwagger. She lost two recruits, and the one she had left was a little... Strange (no offense, Pineapple). On top of that, Voldemort was still gone, and she had to work her way back into the inner circle of death eaters. Losing two recruits after a failed plan, well... L. McSwagger is going down.

Of course, there's still the topic of Piper and Percy, her escaped recruits. And then there are epic battles with me and Clogette against L. McSwagger. Actually, probably not epic, but yeah, there will be fight scenes. Nerd fight scenes, I guess. Whatever, let's just get on with the story.

* * *

A girl with shortish blonde hair crouched down behind a trash can.

"You sure this is the house, Piper?" A boy asked, sticking his head up by her.

"Yeah, I can still smell the death eater." Piper answered anxiously.

"You can sniff out death eaters?" He asked.

"You can't smell the dead animal smell, Percy?" Percy stuck his nose up in the air and inhaled deeply before gagging.

"Ahh, yeah, I smell it." He choked. "That must be death eater armpit. Don't they make deodorant for dark wizards?"

"I guess not." Piper shrugged, then smacked his shoulder. "That's not important! We have to get in here and warn her."

"Warn who?"

"Just follow me and don't make a sound." The two stood up and tiptoed into a house. They tiptoed down the hallway until they came to a bedroom door. Before Piper could warn him, Percy banged the door open and marched into the room.

* * *

Wanna guess who's room it was? I'll give you a hint: who's room did the death eaters all appear in last time, apparently leaving their odor behind. That's right, it was my bedroom. Assuming you don't think things are weird already, right here is where stuff gets crazy and complicated, but also pretty dang awesome.

* * *

I screamed, but he ran and clamped a hand over my mouth. I glared at him and Piper.

"Cloggy, it's me, your sister." Piper said. At that moment, I wrestled Percy's hand off of my mouth and yelled...

"What! What the heck are you doing?!" Both of them looked nervous. "I'm guessing that you're spying on me for L. McSwagger, aren't you?"

"Nope, just the opposite, actually." Percy said nonchalantly.

"We became 'recruits'-" Piper did the air quotes on that word. "For L. McSwagger. We got her to tell us her whole plan, then we left. We had to go warn you. We call our group PP." Both Percy and I started snickering.

"Not PP." He decided. "How about LMIGD?"

"L. McSwagger is going down?" I figured out. Percy nodded excitedly and took a step closer to me. I took a step farther away from him. "While its a cool name, I would like to know what L. McSwagger's plan is. Also, since you two kind of got up and left, she's gonna be angry."

I, of course, was right about that as I always am.

* * *

"Aghhhhhhhh!" L. McSwagger screamed throwing a creepy baby doll at the wall. Pineapple screamed and jumped out of the way. "I WILL HAVE REVENGE ON PP!"

"Pineapple!" Pineapple yelled, laying on the ground and flopping around. L. McSwagger stopped and looked down at her insane remaining recruit.

"Are you ready to go vanquish those vile Cloggy and Clogette characters?" She asked, raising an eyebrow dramatically. "While we're at it, we can get rid of PP as well." Pineapple snickered.

"PP..." She muttered through her laughter. "Such a dumb name. PINEAPPLE!"

"Let's go, my recruit." L. McSwagger grabbed Pineapple's arm and dragged her out the door. "We will get rid of Cloggy and Clogette for good."

* * *

**For the real life L. McSwagger, I hope you enjoyed this and there WILL be more. :)**


	3. L McSwagger is a Waitress?

**So, um, in terms of plot, this got absolutely nowhere, but I'm sure that nobody at this point is rally reading for purely the plot, so... **

**Here you go, real life L. McSwagger and Clogette. :)**

* * *

Whoo, Cloggy here again. Today I will be sharing the events after L. McSwagger lost her recruits, my sister became a spy, oh, and oh course, when my dog became a death eater. Though all of that was totally in the wrong order. Oh well, not like anyone cares. And if there is anyone who does care...

HATERS BACK OFF! (Imagine that I said that in a Miranda sings voice...)

So now, going by tradition of course... Let me take a selfie! My face was so attractive in this one that you can't even begin to imagine it. The closest we can get is King Bilium crossed with Brody crossed with the movie theater guy. Now it's time to get serious. Or as serious as you can get with this story.

* * *

"Guys, we know L. McSwagger's plan." Piper announced anxiously.

"Tell us!" Clogette exclaimed. I nodded and Percy smirked.

"She's planning to torture you." Piper said shakily.

"Torture us? How?" I asked.

"She's going to lock both of you in a closet without wifi and watch as you slowly go insane." Percy told us nonchalantly.

"What?!" Clogette and I yelled.

"Mhmm." He was clearly trying to hold back a laugh.

"Dude, we're going to die!" Clogette complained. "No fanfiction, no YouTube, no..." She gulped. "No instagram!"

"Ah, we'll be fine." I said. "If you haven't already noticed, L. McSwagger isn't exactly, um, bright."

"Don't let her know you said that." Piper warned. For a minute, there was complete silence. Then...

"I'm hungry," Percy said. "Let's get pizza." I said that last part with him, then he turned to me with a smug smile.

"What?" I asked.

"Jinx!" He yelled gleefully, prancing off towards the kitchen.

"Nobody say her name!" Piper yelled, giggling.

"Okay, I won't." Clogette promised. I glared at both of them.

* * *

"No... No, it can't be... closed!" Percy cried.

"Pizza Hut is closed?" Clogette asked. She walked up behind him and caught sight of the sign, then started sobbing.

"Cloggy, what are they- dang it." Piper said, realizing too late that she had unjinxed me.

"Yes! Yes! Thank you!" I screamed, jumping up and down.

"What are you so happy about?" Clogette asked through her tears. "Pizza Hut is closed. CLOSED!"

"Relax, drama queen." Percy muttered.

"You were crying too!" She exclaimed.

"No, it's allergies. I'm allergic to... Cloggy." Percy tried to lie.

"You're _what_?" I asked. Clogette and Piper busted out laughing. I sighed heavily.

"Guys, let's just go to this pancake place." I pointed to the building.

"Dark Lord's Pancake House," Clogette read. "Sure, why not?"

* * *

Okay, so maybe a place called _Dark Lord's Pancake House _wasn't a good idea. Who knew?

* * *

"Guys, don't look now, but I think that's one of L. McSwagger's recruits." Percy said in a hushed voice. I glanced over and there was a girl about L. McSwagger's age, with dark curly hair. "That's Pineapple, the only one who actually stuck by her."

"Is she a threat?" Clogette asked.

"Nah, she can't do much." Just then, the waitress came to our table. I tried to contain a gasp.

"Oh my leaping llamas!" Piper said. We all turned to her in confusion. "What, is that not a thing that people say?"

"No, not at all." Clogette replied.

"Can I take your order?" The waitress said sourly. I had no doubt in my mind who it was.

"Yes," Percy was the first to recover his composure. "We'll all have some bacon."

"No, I don't want bacon." I protested.

"Shut your face, Cloggy." He said. "Get her some hash browns or something."

"And what do you all want to drink?" The waitress said.

"A round of waters," Piper said. "Thank you." Once the waitress left, Clogette gave me a look that said that she knew exactly what I knew.

"That was L. McSwagger, right?" I asked. Everyone nodded. "Well, that's great."

"What's she doing here?" Clogette asked.

"I'm guessing that she was kicked out of the inner circle of death eaters or something." Piper said.

"So... She has to work at Dark Lord's Pancake House?" I worked out. "Why not just, oh I don't know, go kill something?"

"Hey, just be glad she's not murdering you and Clogette and working at a pancake house instead." Percy said. Just then, L. McSwagger came back with the drinks.

"Here you go, weirdos. Food will be out shortly." She slammed the glasses of water down onto the table, spilling a little.

"Ah, geez, woman." Percy complained. "You got an ice cube in my... Well, it's a place that ice cubes shouldn't be!" Clogette made a face.

"Do you guys really think it's safe to eat the pancakes here?" I asked. "Maybe she poisoned them or something."

"Nah, we're good 'cause we didn't even order pancakes." Percy said, beginning to chug his water.

"Yeah, we ordered bacon and hash browns." Clogette added. "So we should be fine."

"Hey, I'm just being careful. This is L. McSwagger we're talking about."

"And she's not going to poison us." Piper said. "I know that because wasn't her entire plan to get information out of you, Cloggy? She's not gonna kill you. She may kill Percy and Clogette, but not you."

"Phew," I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Hey!" Percy and Clogette exclaimed.

* * *

**So... Yeah. I don't really know what to say, oops. xD**


End file.
